March 28, 2011

Wow. It’s been way too long since I’ve given everyone an update. I’d apologize, but at this point is it really necessary? I’m not going to bother trying to recap the last few months. Let’s just say they’ve been busy. Much busier than I anticipated when I returned to work. It’s taken quite a toll on my energy, ability to care for my self, and mental wellness.

So, I felt good when I was going back to work. My energy was good, I was working out, and I felt like I could take on the world. I was able to workout for a few weeks after starting back at work. But starting in mid January, I began to feel really tired during the week. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was also feeling really lonely and depressed. On the weekends, I felt like I was recovering my energy a bit. And the early part of the week was a little better. But by Wednesday, I was beginning to feel tired at work and having trouble concentrating. And by Friday I was wiped out. It’s gotten progressively worse since then. Now it’s at the point where I’m exhausted all weekend and all week. I don’t feel at all reenergized after weekends. I need more time to rest and recuperate and rebuild my strength and endurance. I haven’t been to the gym in weeks. Cooking is almost too much. My apartment is a wreck because I’m just too tired to clean, restock anything but food, organize my papers, and even put away my laundry. Going back out on disability is a real possibility right now. I think I went back to work too early. I need space to breathe, rest, and more time to recover. I only spent about 6 months recovering after last year’s events. More recovery was needed, but I didn’t know that at the time.

I’ve also started seeing an oncology counselor. I was feeling so depressed. I felt like I was trapped and confined by something. I felt so overwhelmed. I was having a lot of nightmares and bad dreams. I was feeling really paranoid too. This isn’t me, even though I’m a bit of a pessimist by nature. I think I was finally beginning to realize and deal with everything I had been through over the past two years and more so, in my life. It’s been helpful having someone to work through these problems with. I also started an antidepressant. I went back and forth on whether I wanted to take it, but everyone around me was saying it would be helpful in picking myself back up. I still feel depressed. I think there’s a lot of work that I have to do before I sort of put myself back together again.

I’m trying to rebuild my life. I’ve lost a sense of myself. It’s helpful to be able to work that part out too.

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2 thoughts on “March 28, 2011

  1. Hey Carey,

    Hang in there brother. You are a tough man… just reading these is tough for me to do, and you actually had to experience it. Finding yourself and dealing with the trauma that you had no time to think through or deal with while you were fighting is definitely part of the recovery process I would imagine. You will make it man, you’ve made it this far. Take care

    Kevin

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